A Crack in Your Chassis
by queenstiel
Summary: The world is coming to an end, God is dying, and Cas gets answers to questions he's had for a long time. (11x23 coda)


A/N: This was also an old story that I wrote when the season 11 finale aired. This used to be on my old account but I'm moving some of my stories from there onto my current account.

Enjoy!

* * *

As impossible as it sounded, his father was dying.

His Father, _God_ , the Lord and savior. He was dying here right before his eyes and he was powerless to stop it. The divine being that he had taken orders from all his existence and _swore_ to follow until his death, was going to die.

Castiel had never felt more torn than he did in this moment.

 _"Let him die."_ A vicious part of him sneers. _"He abandoned me. He abandoned Sam and Dean. He abandoned humanity."_

But no matter how badly he may want to just let him suffer, he can't find it within himself to hate him. He was _God_ , his _creator_ after all. He just can't understand why he left, and he had so many questions that he knew would never be answered.

 _Why were we forbidden to feel, Father?_

 _Why did you abandon Heaven, Father?_

 _Why did you abandon your creation, Father?_

That vicious part of him rears its ugly head again. _"Why is Lucifer your favorite?"_

He stamps down the thought before it could develop any further. As if he would lower himself to _envy_ the Serpent. It wasn't as though he was some child that was starving for his father's attention like the rest of the angels. Or, perhaps he was. A petulant child still desperately searching for approval from somebody. After all, he had nearly turned the Earth upside down looking for a God that just didn't care anymore. Although he thought he had finally given up, a part of him never stopped believing. Not for a second. And now here he is, in the flesh.

Admittedly, he looked awful. Chuck was terribly pale, with dark circles lining his glassy blue eyes. His body was constantly shaking and he seemed to be in a cold sweat. He looked as though he were suffering from a much more powerful version of the flu.

Internally, Cas chuckles; it was much more complicated than that.

Cas is suddenly brought out of his thoughts when he hears a chair slide out across the floor. He is surprised to see Chuck rising to his feet, stumbling a bit. Rowena was at his side instantly, cooing at him and urging him to sit back down. He brushes her off and moves past her, causing her to pout angrily and fold her arms over her chest in irritation. He slowly makes his way over to the chair across from Cas, gently sliding into it.

He looks at Cas with a mixture of things; Cas can still see the raw emotion coming from his lost Father in his eyes, even past the glassy fog of illness covering them.

"Hey," he says weakly, a small smile stretching his pale lips. "I, uh… guess you're not too thrilled to see me."

Cas seems to ponder this for a moment. Was he happy to see his Father? Well, perhaps "happy" wasn't quite the right term for it…

"I am glad that you finally showed, after so many years of searching for you," he finally admits. "I take it you didn't want to be found."

Chuck smirks. "Perceptive as ever, Castiel." He takes a sip of the glass of water Sam had offered to him earlier. "I suppose you're wondering why."

Castiel shrugs. "It'd be nice of you to tell me, but you've always been rather vague, Father, so I do not expect a straight answer."

Chuck can sense the thinly veiled contempt seething from Castiel, and he heaves a heavy sigh. "Son, there are… lots of things I wish I could tell you; I wish I had the time. There's so many things that you deserve to know."

"There's only one question I want the answer to," Cas says quietly, his voice low and laden with deeply bridled anguish.

Chuck seemed to know the question before he had the chance to ask it. He shifts in his chair uncomfortably, biting his lip to hold in a groan of pain. "You know, when I first created humanity, I felt I had created something beautiful. I created humans much differently than angels. I wanted to see what choices they would make, what their souls would look like, if I gave them feeling. Admittedly, they were more of an experiment than anything, but they were beautiful, and I loved them so much, and I wanted my angels to love them too."

Castiel listened intently to the words coming from his Father. He can feel something tightening in his chest as he hears his Father speak about the flawed beauty of humanity. He spoke with such raw passion that Castiel almost couldn't believe it was him.

Chuck's voice softened as he continued. "I wanted my angels to love my creation more than me, but… none of them would. And slowly, over time, I began to see the flaws in my own creation, so… I left, to see if perhaps the angels could handle things on their own. I never meant to leave for as long as I did, but the longer I was gone, the more I began to see how bad humanity had become. The wars, the hatred, the senseless murder… I found myself starting to lose faith in my creation, and then…" A smile. "You came along, Castiel."

Castiel briefly recalls what Naomi had told him about his creation. _A crack in your chassis._

"I had never intended for you to be different from any other angel, Castiel, but you were. You were so, so much more than I ever expected. And you… you turned things around for me. I saw your love for humanity, how beautiful you thought they were. I saw that you shed tears for them. You were even willing to put your life on the line for them! You led a _rebellion in Heaven_ to protect my flawed little creatures that I used to think were such mistakes! An entire rebellion!" He cries with excitement, his voice sounding almost childlike.

Castiel looks away. "Yes, but I destroyed Heaven in the process. I've done so many horrid things, Father, I... I've hurt the people I care about, including the other angels-"

Chuck laughs and leans forward, his smile widening, brightening his sickly features. "You made mistakes, which just goes to show how far you've come. You made me have faith in my own creations again Castiel. I was able to love humanity like I did when I first created them. I was able to see their compassion, their kindness, their ability to love unconditionally, their selfless natures and desire to protect their loved ones. I saw all of that, in _you_."

Castiel shakes his head, the vicious feelings rising within him once again. "No, certainly you… Lucifer, what about him?" he asks in a desperate attempt to change the subject.

Chuck can sense the venom in Cas' tone. "Yeah, you heard me when I said that, didn't you?" He looks away for a moment before locking eyes with Cas once again. "I hated saying that to him, with you there as well. I felt like I was looking at you, but I could see him." He laces his hands together. "Lucifer… was _mine_. I felt like I had put more of myself into him than any other angel. He was my first creation. And he was beautiful. But it was me who ruined him. I exposed him to evil and I let him become the monster that he is." He looks at Cas with heavy eyes. "But even so, even before and after the Mark… he still refused to love humans in the way that I do. The way you do. And Cas, you…" He suddenly pauses to wipe at his eyes, and Cas is surprised to find that his Father is crying, and that this is the last time they will ever speak to each other.

"Father-"

His voice is shaky and uneven. "N-No, call me Chuck. I know, you're technically my kid and all, but… father feels a little weird, you know?"

"Chuck," Castiel murmurs, trying the way it sounded, "I waited for you. Even when I thought you were never coming back, a part of me still had hope. You… you never even gave me a sign, or anything-"

"I know," Chuck says, his tears falling freely. "I'm so sorry, Castiel. You have every right to hate me. But I want you to know that I heard you. I heard your prayers, I heard every word. And I wanted to help you, because I knew your heart was in the right place. But I… I don't know, I suppose my judgment was impaired at the time. There really is no excuse for it."

Cas feels tears of his own pricking at his eyes. "I…"

"Cas," Chuck says in a serious tone, "I want you to listen to this, okay? As these will probably be my last words, I think they're pretty important. You are a true hero. I want you to know that. I hold nothing against you for releasing Lucifer. And… I know, Dean and Sam don't either. I can see it inside you, how much you hate yourself. I know you think you were made wrong, or different, or that somewhere along the way you were _broken_ \- it doesn't matter. The fact is that you became who you are now because of it. The crack in your chassis, as Naomi put it, was the best thing to ever happen to you. And you, Castiel, have made me see things I haven't seen in a long time. And for that I thank you. You truly are one of the greatest heroes."

Hot tears are now pouring down the angel's face. "Father…"

Chuck doesn't even bother to correct Castiel this time. "I forgive you, Cas, and I think you need to forgive yourself."

Cas can only nod in response. He wants to tell Chuck that he is forgiven as well, but judging by the understanding smile on his face, Cas has a feeling that he already knows.

"And now…" Chuck says, his small smile turning into a defeated one. "I am one step closer to being able to die in peace."

Cas wants to refute that, saying that there must be a way to save him, but it would be a lie and they both knew it. For now, all he could do was weep. Weep for his father like he had wept for countless humans that had lost their lives, whether it be due to disease, or war, whatever horrid thing had taken them far too soon.

In a way, it felt like he was losing his father to everything. Like the universe was taunting him by taking away the only thing that was finally starting to make sense.

The thought made the tears come faster.


End file.
